Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Due Date

I'm feeling a bit melancholy today...actually, I've been that way, on and off, since March began.


I've had this date in the back of my mind, tucked away with the "If only's" and the "What if's".


Today was Josiah's due date.


And even though I'm not big on the whole "due date" thing, (since less than 10% of babies come on their "expected" date), today is still a reminder of who we don't have in our arms. Of what we lost. Of what we expected March to be like.


Overall, we are doing better each day. But we still have moments (and will always have them) of looking at our two babes here on earth and wondering what it would have been like with three. What sorts of trouble would the two brothers, only 20 months apart in age, have gotten into? How many "I want to hold him now!" fights would I be breaking up each day? Would Danae be sitting next to me, nursing her dolls, just as she did when Caedon was born? And how I miss that sweet, completely distinctive smell of a newborn that doesn't seem to fade until they are at least six months old.


While we celebrate the fact that our Josiah is with Jesus, we still miss him everyday. That doesn't ever go away. Today we remember the 32 weeks I was blessed to hold my son, and we look forward to holding him again someday in Heaven.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Beth,
Thinking of you and your famiy. I miss seeing Cadeon in the nursery. Love your blog. Thanks for sharing, the picture of Josiah, Curt and Danae is so sweet.
Debbie

Anonymous said...

I will be thinkin of u today & praying for u! I remember my due date on Feb 20th and altho i had decided ahead of time that its just a date, as u mentioned, and i wasnt going to have this preconceived idea of much sadness just becuz it was Malachi's due date....somehow it still "got" me. As strong as i wanted to be n as amazing the grace available to me I grieved the uniqueness of my 2nd son and wished for more time to have known him. It was a bittersweet day- imaging him worshipping n playing in heaven yet wanting him in my arms!! Thank God he understands our moments no matter how graceful or undignified they are...the moments of gratefulness and the moments of brief anger! He can handle ALL of it and loves us thro it! Blessings to u today!!!! Lena

Mrs.Rabe said...

May God's grace hold you today!

Kara Stoltzfus said...

just emailed you. have been thinking of you so much yesterday & today.
i believe that logan & josiah are having fun in heaven and can keep each other company until we are united again. they will be the BEST of play mates.

always praying, hoping, wishing you healing.
love you.
always here.

Julie J said...

Missing your baby boy with you. I will be praying for you and Curt throughout today. Love ya, Julie

Aimee said...

Aw, Beth, my heart aches for your loss. Been thinking about you a lot this week. Lots of prayers coming your way girl!

CountryMidwife said...

Thinking of you and yours on this sad day, Beth. :::hug:::

roz said...

Tears for you Beth as I read this post. There's just something about that "date". Just wanted to tell ya, you may feel meloncholy...occasionally. Jesus cares about your sad feelings as well as your happy ones. thinking about ya lots.
Rosa

Ruth Velez said...

Your son is beautiful. I am thinking about you often; about your whole family...

Sara said...

You have been much in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be. Thank you for sharing the picture of beautiful Josiah with us.

Mike said...

I have no words this evening, Beth. Just tears...and a hug if you were closer. Love to you and your family as you continue to heal.

Jen said...

thanks for bringing the pictures the other night. i love this one of danae you posted. i think josiah looks so peaceful in it too. love you! praying for you as always!