Friday, December 23, 2011

A "what if" kind of week

I love celebrating Christmas and the birth of Jesus with my little family. I love that my kiddos know Christmas is about Jesus and that Santa, (while he's a fun character and we do take part in Santa-like festivities), is not the focal point.

The holidays, however, tend to stir up emotions deep down, as any parent who has had to give a child back to the Lord will tell you. I can't help but think about how another little boy should be here, with presents under the tree. He should be seeing his stocking hung on the mantle, right next to the others. I should be dressing him the same as his big brother, matching sweaters and all. Honestly, while I do have mostly good days and try not to dwell on this, some days just plain hurt.

( I like to put the kids' stockings in age order, but Danae wanted Josiah's in the middle.)

(Lovingly made by my mother-in-law...what skill!)

This week has been full of "what if's"...What if Josiah were still here? What would life be like with a six year old, three year old, and almost two year old? Would my boys like sharing a room? Would Josiah look like the little boy I met earlier this week...the younger sibling of one of Danae's classmates who will be two years old in January? I knew it deep down when his mother told me his birthday is next month. "Which day?", I asked, while thinking, Don't say the 27th. Don't say the 27th. Sure enough, she did say the 27th, making this little boy and my Josiah birthday true buddies.

I try hard not to analyze too much or dwell on things. I want to be grateful that my son doesn't have to suffer with sickness and complications here on earth. Trust me, I do see God's hand in all of this and realize His grace. In the end, though, we all still miss his presence.

So, I ask for prayers during this season, as well as next month when we celebrate Josiah's second birthday in Heaven. And I ask also for prayers for friends and families that you know who are also missing their babes. The emotions tend to be the same.


Anonymous said...

May Logan & Josiah celebrate Christmas together!!
My heart beats with yours!!

Rachel said...

love you! so, so much.
I held it together, knowing where you were going, until you said Danae wanted Josiah's stocking in the middle. I can't even blame it on the onions I just cut to put dinner in the crock pot. Again, you are loved, sweet friend. All five of you.

Cousin Ruth said...

I think of your son, Josiah, fully healthy and a scrappy little boy up in Heaven. I wonder what it is like for our Lord to have all these little children with Him? All the babies that were ours for a moment, and are His eternal?

I love you and am praying for you right now! May our Lord ease your pain and bring laughter to you this season, as you enjoy the holidays with your other two scrappy ones.

Mariellen said...

Beth, you have such a gift for expressing seemingly inexpressable things. I pray the Lord bring warmth to your heart, sweet mother.