Friday, January 27, 2012

Giving him back...two years later

Two years ago today we loved, held, and said goodbye to our third child, Josiah...

As I type in almost every other post: time is slipping by.

The past week has been full of memories from the week prior to Josiah's birth, almost as if I'm in that week again. The memories are almost like clockwork, coming up on their designated days. Taking the kids with us to the ultrasound and feeling so excited about it (there was no indication that anything was wrong at this point). Sitting on the couch that afternoon, trying to digest what my midwife was saying while blurting out questions and trying not to cry. Calling Curt and telling him that our baby had "multiple genetic defects that didn't look good." The in-depth ultrasound two days later, with a diagnosis of hydrops. The dreaded amniocentesis. A Saturday visit from my sister and brother-in-law. Hearing the amnio results three days later, which showed absolutely no genetic defects and resulted in more questions with no answers. The specialist telling us he was 100% certain the baby wouldn't survive outside the womb. Growing larger by the day, unable to breathe if I laid in bed or sat down for too long.

Then there are the memories of this day - Going to the specialist and, after a nonstress test, finding out that the baby's heart rate was dropping here and there, and the amount of amniotic fluid surrounding the baby had grown even more than the day prior. Being prepped (mentally, emotionally, and physically) for a c-section that wasn't in the plans. Lying on that surgery table, telling Curt that we never definitely decided on a boy's name and a girl's name (we did not know the baby was a boy), and making our choices minutes before the baby was born. And, after being told the nurses did all they could do, finally holding our second son.

Oh, the memories...

I also remember those two Sundays, one a few months after Danae was born and the other a few months after Caedon was born, when we dedicated out babes back to the Lord...when we verbally said before our family, friends, and church that we understood our children were not truly ours, but God's, and we were to raise them for Him and be willing to give them back when the time comes.

What a difference there is between saying it verbally and having to actually do it in real life.

I find comfort in knowing we were not and are not alone. So many family members, friends, church buddies, and even strangers walked (and continue to walk) that road with us. Some of you know firsthand what it's like to give a child back. Many of you loved Josiah just as much as we did and hurt deeply, too. Your love is felt, and we are abundantly grateful to you!

One day, we will see our Josiah again. We miss him, but we were so, so blessed to have him for even a short while. For now, I know he's having the best 2nd birthday anyone could have!


Anonymous said...

still, there are so few words, to adequately express our sorrow and love for you.
we remember josiah today! (and always)

hooigracht 15 said...

thinking of josiah and your family today. we continue to keep all of you in our prayers- especially today.

Anonymous said...

PS - when i wrote a recent post on my blog, "4 Simple Truths" I thought of you.
you may enjoy reading it. it is something that has brought me tons of encourage in the difficult times we have faced, especially after Logan died.

rosa said...

praying for you guys. can't imagine how you feel but know that you are loved and prayed for.
on another note,i love the necklace and have been looking for something like that for a gift for my niece and nephew who lost their mom 3 years ago. can you tell me where it came from?

Mrs.Rabe said...

Can't believe it has been two years...I know you have felt each and everyone of these past days...and I am sorry for the loss you suffered.


Cariluz and Ike said...

What a beautiful takes an incredible amount of faith and courage to write something so poignant and touching. We are keeping you guys surrounded in prayer. Much love, Cariluz

Ruth Ann said...

The strength God has given you... it amazes me! You picked a beautiful name for him, and he IS having the best birthday ever. To be with Jesus... we too will be there someday.

love you. xoxo