Friday, January 27, 2012
Giving him back...two years later
Two years ago today we loved, held, and said goodbye to our third child, Josiah...
As I type in almost every other post: time is slipping by.
The past week has been full of memories from the week prior to Josiah's birth, almost as if I'm in that week again. The memories are almost like clockwork, coming up on their designated days. Taking the kids with us to the ultrasound and feeling so excited about it (there was no indication that anything was wrong at this point). Sitting on the couch that afternoon, trying to digest what my midwife was saying while blurting out questions and trying not to cry. Calling Curt and telling him that our baby had "multiple genetic defects that didn't look good." The in-depth ultrasound two days later, with a diagnosis of hydrops. The dreaded amniocentesis. A Saturday visit from my sister and brother-in-law. Hearing the amnio results three days later, which showed absolutely no genetic defects and resulted in more questions with no answers. The specialist telling us he was 100% certain the baby wouldn't survive outside the womb. Growing larger by the day, unable to breathe if I laid in bed or sat down for too long.
Then there are the memories of this day - Going to the specialist and, after a nonstress test, finding out that the baby's heart rate was dropping here and there, and the amount of amniotic fluid surrounding the baby had grown even more than the day prior. Being prepped (mentally, emotionally, and physically) for a c-section that wasn't in the plans. Lying on that surgery table, telling Curt that we never definitely decided on a boy's name and a girl's name (we did not know the baby was a boy), and making our choices minutes before the baby was born. And, after being told the nurses did all they could do, finally holding our second son.
Oh, the memories...
I also remember those two Sundays, one a few months after Danae was born and the other a few months after Caedon was born, when we dedicated out babes back to the Lord...when we verbally said before our family, friends, and church that we understood our children were not truly ours, but God's, and we were to raise them for Him and be willing to give them back when the time comes.
What a difference there is between saying it verbally and having to actually do it in real life.
I find comfort in knowing we were not and are not alone. So many family members, friends, church buddies, and even strangers walked (and continue to walk) that road with us. Some of you know firsthand what it's like to give a child back. Many of you loved Josiah just as much as we did and hurt deeply, too. Your love is felt, and we are abundantly grateful to you!
One day, we will see our Josiah again. We miss him, but we were so, so blessed to have him for even a short while. For now, I know he's having the best 2nd birthday anyone could have!