Wednesday, November 17, 2010


Parker Kade

A little doll baby. A second handsome gift given to our friends this week.

Danae and I had the privilege of holding him and snuggling for a bit yesterday morning. It was sweet to see Parker's "newness" and take in his new baby smell!

Several of our friends are pregnant, and we are now entering the season of births. Beautiful little Violet, baby #3 to our friends Merle and Aimee, made her entrance almost two weeks ago, followed by Parker's arrival earlier this week.

Going in to meet Parker proved to be a little more difficult than I thought. I kept thinking that holding a newborn boy was going to be hard...when in reality, the problem was in the location.

I had not been back to the hospital where Josiah was born...until yesterday.

Seeing and holding babies isn't the problem. The gender of the baby isn't the problem. As soon as my daughter and I walked down the hall and into the maternity section, I lost it. The same halls, the smell, the nurses everywhere, the nursery...I walked my sobbing self to Julie's door and just stood there. The nurses probably thought I was nuts. My daughter asked why we weren't going in. And I just cried.

We took a little detour to a bathroom so I could dry my eyes and compose myself...during which time I told Danae what my problem was, and she responded with, "Mommy, you can't go in there crying." Ahh, the straight-forward advice of a five year old.

Seeing and holding little Parker proved to be easier than I thought it would be. I guess my objective, practical self just looked at him and said, "He's not your baby. He's not Josiah." The hospital is what caused the events of January 27 to replay all over again.

At least two more of our friends' babies will arrive at that hospital within the next four months, and while my reaction will probably be the same, deep down I know I can't avoid going there. I have been trying to sidestep those feelings and memories for the past few months now, and that has made me a sad, irritable person lately. I want to visit those friends and their babies, and going to that hospital was and will be part of the healing process.

Oh, the roads that God has us walk down. I know that this is all in the plan, and it will all serve a greater purpose someday. But it's definitely not easy in the moment, nor was it EVER promised to be easy.


Cariluz and Ike said...

Oh, Beth,...your post mad eme cry. Many hugs to you, dear inspire me with your strength and faith. Love you : )

Kara Stoltzfus said...

oh how i can relate.
after we hung up the phone the other day, i almost called back because i wondered how you were doing. i remember returning to womens & babies was always hard for me, still is.
just went the other week and it is filled with so many sad & difficult memories for me, from each pregnancy and birth. but mostly from logan's death and my hospitalization the month prior.
i pray the lord showers you with peace.
it will be difficult, but facing all this challenges will help your healing process. it will always be hard, but it will get easier each time.
i am proud of you.

The lady of the house... said...

Oh Beth, part of you was left there and always will be.

You said it so well in this post. Thank you for taking the time and energy to share with *us* on the other side of your grief. I care about and want you to keep sharing whatever is on your heart....the real, the deep, the mad, the sad.

Just read this quote yesterday and was thinking about it as I read your words:

"Nothing is more memorable than a smell. One scent can be unexpected, momentary and fleeting. Smells detonate softly in our memory like poignant land mines hidden under the weedy mass of years. Hit a tripwire of smell and memories explode all at once. A complex vision leaps out of the undergrowth."
~Diane Ackerman~
A Natural History of the Senses

I love you.

rosa said...

awww, hugs sent your way beth. im sure it was very hard to go back to the hospital. bless danaes heart for being so cute! praying for ya

Diane Peifer said...

Your honest thoughts and feelings made me cry as well. I appreciate you for your candor. I remember the first time I went back to my mother-in-law's office, where she did the ultrasound that confirmed ours worst fears. As soon as I started down the hallway I started feeling a tightness in my chest and by the time I got to her office I was sobbing. Oh, those unpredicatble moments... A few weeks ago something sparked a memory of baby Kerith for little Toria and she started sobbing uncontrollably, which, of course, made me start crying. Keep putting one foot in front of the other on this difficult journey. The Lord is still holding your hand through it all. Lots of love to you all.