Six months ago today, our third baby went to be with Jesus...and I don't think we have ever been the same since.
It's really quite shocking to think that it has already been six months. Really? Has it really been half a year since we met our son and let him go, all in the same day? Some days it feels like so long ago, and other days I'm certain that it was only last week.
For the most part, I'd have to say that we are doing okay. After looking back at a journal entry from the end of January, I realize that we have healed a lot in six months. The insanely deep pain in my words back then isn't so deep and bitter now. But, I must say...Josiah is still constantly on my mind, almost every hour of every day.
We have the little reminders around the house: pictures on the wall, a photo album, clothing, blankets, and siblings who also miss their baby brother. I have a gorgeous necklace around my neck almost every day, engraved with the words "Sweet Josiah" on the back, given to me by some of the most beautiful, supportive women I know. We have two young fruit trees planted in our back yard, in honor of the boy who probably would have downed a bowl of fruit in no time, just like his older brother. And we have friends galore with babies here, there, and on their way...all of whom make me think of how my youngest would have grown up with them.
Having all of these reminders is truly helpful for us, and beautiful and honoring to Josiah...I'd want it no other way. It's just that on days like today, a milestone of sorts, it's so hard to think how different our lives would be if we had a 6-month-old in with the mix. Would life be as crazy busy and hectic, involving full-time work and juggling an overwhelming schedule on some days? Or would things be a bit slower, knowing that a baby demands eating every 2-3 hours and that my life would revolve around his feeding/sleeping/pooping pattern and probably the event schedule at the library?
Since we know we can't live in the past...we can't look at the "what if's" or "would have, could have, should have's"...since life rolls on and we can't change what happened six months ago that rocked our world to the core...we go on, remembering Josiah's life in the womb, the plans we had made, and the fact that he's playing up in Heaven and we get to see him again soon. Yeah, things are most definitely still painful at times...but in the end, we have Hope.