I was warned that it would be like this.
"High" days of no tears and mostly happy thoughts (as shown in my previous post).
And "low" days of deep sadness, missing the baby we should be raising, questions, anger...
A roller coaster of emotions. And they change directions frequently. One minute I'm fine and playing with the kids, then the next minute I'm a complete wreck.
My friend Kara, who had a similar experience almost four and a half years ago, told me it would be like this. She advised me to embrace every feeling and work through it...some of the best advice I've received.
I'm try to accept everything: the feelings, the entire situation. But it's difficult. Very, very difficult. While I know my son is in a much better place and is not suffering from the condition he had, I also miss him terribly. Thoughts of what we should be doing creep up: rocking, nursing, carrying him around in a wrap, naps with Daddy, sweet moments together. Danae and Caedon miss out on playing with their baby brother, and we all know how excited Danae was to be a big sister again and hold a baby 24/7. It tears at my heart.
So, we are working through it. Lots of talking, lots of crying, and trying to accept the circumstances. We are riding this Roller Coaster. And we know that many of you are on it with us. Thanks for praying and not leaving.