Thursday, February 11, 2010

The Roller Coaster

I was warned that it would be like this.

"High" days of no tears and mostly happy thoughts (as shown in my previous post).

And "low" days of deep sadness, missing the baby we should be raising, questions, anger...

A roller coaster of emotions. And they change directions frequently. One minute I'm fine and playing with the kids, then the next minute I'm a complete wreck.

My friend Kara, who had a similar experience almost four and a half years ago, told me it would be like this. She advised me to embrace every feeling and work through it...some of the best advice I've received.

I'm try to accept everything: the feelings, the entire situation. But it's difficult. Very, very difficult. While I know my son is in a much better place and is not suffering from the condition he had, I also miss him terribly. Thoughts of what we should be doing creep up: rocking, nursing, carrying him around in a wrap, naps with Daddy, sweet moments together. Danae and Caedon miss out on playing with their baby brother, and we all know how excited Danae was to be a big sister again and hold a baby 24/7. It tears at my heart.

So, we are working through it. Lots of talking, lots of crying, and trying to accept the circumstances. We are riding this Roller Coaster. And we know that many of you are on it with us. Thanks for praying and not leaving.


Beth said...

Love you so much! I have a friend at church whose cousin went through the same thing...twice. She gave me her number if you want it. Miss you!

Kara Stoltzfus said...

i am here for you. through every up & down. every high & low. every tear & every laugh.
i pray for the lords continued strength, peace & rest.

Love the Decor! said...

I pray that Jesus is holding you in His arms to comfort you and give you a peace that truly passes all understanding.

Mrs.Rabe said...

I am so sad for you guys and am praying.

I didn't know you blogged! That is awesome! I blog too, and I love it!

Ruth Velez said...

Oh Beth!!! My heart aches for you. Your friend Kara is right. It is a tough roller coaster (I don't like roller coasters in life anyway, they make me nauseous)...

Again, I know my situation was not the same as yours, but I did do something that brought some healing for my life. I couldn't do it right away, but when I actually did it, it helped. I wrote a long letter to my baby. I wrote about all my heartache and how much I missed him/her. I wrote about the things we would have done, all sorts of things. It was emotional and hard, but in the end, I had these words, these words that were permanent. I still have it in a wooden box with some keepsakes I had for the baby (and a sonogram picture). It was about 4-5 months afterwards. Now when I think about the baby that would have been, I am certainly less sad and more filled with promise of what his/her life is like now with Jesus. I hope and pray that what I am writing does not hurt you, but to lift you up and confirm with Kara that it takes time. Do not hold any of it in, let it all out. God is holding your heart, all of yours. I love you...

Diane Peifer said...

Crying with you, Beth. I only wish that meant you would have to cry less. I love Ruth's idea. I find writing very cathartic and healing, as I mentioned to you the other day. I find that when I write it allows - even provokes - the raw emotions to come to the surface. Sometimes simply acknowledging them and feeling them in that moment allows them to dissipate and heal a bit. And healing comes bit by bit. And the idea of writing a letter to baby is so personal. I love it. I'm still thinking of you lots and praying for you too.

ranck5 said...

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

I pray the meaning of the words of this song for you and your family and that you would daily feel the love of Jesus as he holds you close. Much love and hugs!
Beth Ranck

Anonymous said...


This is a message of comfort from Kara's mom.
I was checking her blog and went to your link to see how you are doing. It seems like you are doing all the right things, but it is sooooo hard. Just wanted you to know that my thoughts are with you and your family
as you heal. May strength and peace and memories
carry you through the process.

Sheryl Smoker